Below is the entirety of The Rutnucker Chronicle's most recent issue. If you want a list of all published issues, see All Issues.
November 6, 930
Editors: Edward & Lauren Pike
See Volume II, Issue VI, The Actual Truth Behind the Chronicle.
Aramé Retter & Joseph Pail,
You know, maybe we publish everything you submit because it’s fun to see you guys make fools of yourself on a public platform.
Aramé, please stop coming to my dorms at three in the morning. You’re not welcome anymore. Also who on earth submits an exposé of a newspaper to that same newspaper?
Joe, you gotta lay off the gummies. What else would make you think it was a good idea to submit this line to a newspaper: “The only logical conclusion is that the dropoff box outside Ed Pike’s dorm is magical.”
Y’all are wack.
Sincerely,
Edward Pike (IRL: Joshua Black) Co-editor of The Rutnucker Chronicle
Dear Student Body,
The December 14th Winter Dance is coming soon! Tickets can be bought at the bookstore: $20 dollars for one, $30 for a couple. The theme is “art.” I’d better not see someone wearing Dusk cosplay. If you have questions, please reach out to the student body activities committee, headed by Emry Orr.
— Winter Snow, Student Body President (IRL: Joshua Black)
P.S. To the men reading this: Asking someone at the last minute is not attractive. Please, plan ahead (with actual, detailed, thought-out plans, you morons).
Story by: Renaine Foal (IRL: Joshua Black)
I write this at the break of the daydawn, sheltered high above the ground on the bough of an oak. The moon fell many hours ago. I believe I am now safe. Why am I here? Why do I hide? What peril once awaited me? You shall soon see.
Early this morning, I awoke to a fierce howling. Many a man would have dismissed it as the wind against the outer wall, but I am no man. I seek no easy answer—nay, I crave to discover the inexplicable truth hiding behind the explicable. So I left my dormitory, descending the stairs until I reached the campus grounds. Silence. Clouds covered the sky. I waited for the howls to sound again. Long did I wait, yet there was nothing. Near I was to turning about and returning to the comfort of my own bed when I heard it again, quieter this time. I froze, still as stone. The howling rang again, echoing from the depths of Rutnucker Forest. I stalked into the foliage in a feverish drive to discover. The clouds had split, allowing me the moonlight needed to see.
Long did I hike, continuing after the howling until my feet tired and my head hung. Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it ceased. I strained my ears, desperate not to lose the beast. To my relief, I quickly heard the howling of the beast once more. To my dismay, it was not but ten paces behind me!
I knew I could not run. I did not look back. I threw myself onto the trunk of a tree, scrambling to the top—to safety! I perched upon the highest branch I could, praying that my entrails would remain within me. The creature clawed violently at the tree trunk for most the night. I thought it would never leave, yet as the moon fell over the horizon and light rose from the other side, it departed. I am still in the tree hours later, uncertain if the beast’s departure was a cruel ploy. My Chemistry class will soon begin. I am forced to descend, for I cannot allow my attendance record to be tainted, feral beast or not. If I do not make it to Chemistry and my ravaged body is discovered, I wish my dearest of kin to know my love for them.
Note to readers: Renaine is fine. They personally handed this to me during Chemistry. — Ed.
Quiz by: Shelby de Franc (IRL: Brianna Richins)
What is your favorite subject in school?
A. English! I loooove reading!
B. Science! Bugs and chemicals are so cool!
C. Math! I’m smart and I like things that make me cry!
What is your favorite color?
A. I love pink!
B. Blue, maybe green?
C. Orange. Definitely orange.
What ice cream flavor do you think you are?
A. Strawberry <3
B. Mint chip!
C. Umm, chocolate, I guess?
If you answered mostly A, you’re strawberry!
If you answered mostly B, you’re mint chip!
If you answered mostly C, you’re chocolate!
Why?
I don’t know, why assign meaning to anything? We’re all just tiny specks floating through space, so what’s the point? There are bigger things to worry about, so what does it matter if we’re chocolate or mint? Maybe, by searching for more accurate, more specific ways to define our version of the human experience, through aesthetics and labels and ice-cream flavors, we hope to define (and better understand) what we already know about ourselves, but until now, haven’t had the words to describe. Maybe we do this to feel less alone. Maybe it’s to feel more alone. Maybe it’s to discover the specks of purpose already inside of us and eventually (hopefully), find some greater purpose in our lives.I don’t know, maybe we won’t find much meaning at all in a tabloid quiz, but life does seem a bit easier to manage when I remember I’m strawberry ice cream. Maybe that’s reason enough.
Poem by: anonymus (IRL: Brianna Richins)
She tosses her twilight hair,
When she’s walking by at lunch.
Her name is Shelby de Franc,
And I like her a bunch.
She’s smart, with pretty outfits,
Her face is pretty too.
To see her makes me happy,
Whenever I am blue.
Does she know I like her?
Rimember I exist?
Because she might not like me back,
I’ll stay annonymus.
Notice from: Art Martella (IRL: Joshua Black)
Thanks to your patronage, we now have a permanent operating area! Art Mart will now be located in Study Room 7-A of the Student Study Center from 5-7 on week days and 9-5 on Saturdays.
Advertisement by: Art Martella (IRL: Joshua Black)
Have you ever tried to write a will, then realized you don't have anything to bestow? Yes? Well, we can't have that, can we? Come by to Art Mart and buy something of value. It's the fastest way to increase your net worth! That way, when you do the croaky pokey, your heirs' coffers will be as full as your coffin!
What's that? You think yourself too young to worry about future heirs?? False! You could no sooner say that you're too young to prepare for college!! Completely untenable stance, if you ask me. In fact, the high school years are prime for monetary investment.
Speaking of investments, our tweed selection is the perfect store of value! You've never seen a cleaner stitch. Buy them while the price is low so your kids can sell them when the price is high!
See Vol II, Issue VI, Writer for ̶H̶i̶g̶h̶e̶r̶ [Hire]. Notice from: Elizabeth Whiting (IRL: Joshua Black)
Eustace, I still have not received payment from you in return for my services. I expect my $35 within 15 days.